Nostalgia

When I think about the past, I really get down. Mostly high school things that still somehow manage to irritate me to this day. I've always said the best thing about high school was I met Taylor. That's it. Seriously. I hated my classes. Every year I had a teacher that made me feel like I wasn't important to them at all. Its like I made their life miserable just because I took their class. I was always a good kid, but somehow if I ever did anything wrong it was practically documented. To this day I'm still embarrassed because the attendance lady made me cry! Yeah, dirty old mean lady! Then there was other time I got a truancy because my mom drove off and left me at home. Another story for another day.

I hated volleyball. There were the choice few girls who made me feel like I could push through and ignore the rest of the spoiled rotten losers (my COACH called us that!) I had to deal with everyday. It makes me so upset to think of what would have happened if things were different. I mean for goodness sake, its been almost 5 years! I should be over it but its difficult when you started a lot of games one year with a coach you liked. Then the next year you sit on the bench because a particular setter rules the team, including holding both new coaches' testosterone in her greedy little hands. (Oops, I said too much but really if she read this I wouldn't care) She killed my volleyball dreams big time.

I hated that everyone changed. Remember in middle school when everyone wanted to be vet and save themselves til marriage? Yeah. Didn't happen. I really try not to toot my own horn with that subject because boys lie but couldn't they have waited at least til the end of freshman year? Boy! I must have been the most naive person ever because once I hit high school I learned ALL and MORE than I wanted to know about sex, drugs, and alcohol. I'm still surprised to this day with the things people actually did in high school. This is still the girl who never got into trouble but all those same friends never did either. I cried a lot for them. I still do.

I hated that I was young. No one takes you seriously as a 16 year old totally head over heels in love with another 16 year old. The whole, "We're getting married one day," thing gets a HUGE eye-roll from most adults. Everyone just thinks its puppy love and somehow it won't last til graduation. Taylor and I were different. I would say both of us have that baby face but old soul inside kind of thing going on. We had respect for each other. We valued marriage as an ultimate goal. It was so so so hard to think we had so long to wait. I wanted to fast forward. Just get the time over with so I could be in another world with the person I loved. No one really understood but that's why having the situation so difficult made it worth it in the end. Watch the movie "Click" while you're at it!

I hate that I don't have some of my old friends. That's probably the biggest one. I don't know if I could ever say or do anything to make things right with some of them. Sometimes I wish I had the opportunity. And yet, I don't take it. I think about them every so often. I have to sometimes just to get it out of my system. They must think about me too. I think about slumber parties, pigging out on food because back then I was skinny and could eat ANYTHING, talks that went too late into the night. I miss taking pictures, watching our favorite show every week, knowing I had girl time to go to when boys were annoying. I miss the good times. I miss everything.

So yeah. I'm sorry for the depressing theme of this blog right now. I guess I got some inspiration when I read some of Taylor's emails from 2004. I know! I shouldn't dwell on the past but it makes me crazy sometimes wondering how things would be had they of been different. We'll see what the future brings.